What Kind of Mom is This?

I am no longer directing The Refuge. No longer homeschooling my kids. No longer living near friends and family. I am now left to deal with myself! You would think this would be a pleasant situation....me, no kids during the day, no ministry, no friends just sitting around all day and resting. Although the Lord is giving me physical rest, my emotional state is far from peaceful. I have been a mom for 19 years and have mothered 16 children through birth, foster care and adoption. My children are now the ages 21, 19, 16, 14, 9 and 6 years. You would think I would have it all figured out, wouldn't you? Instead, here I sit ruminating about all the bad choices that I have made and how they are now playing out in my kids. All of my kids have issues. Issues that they may need to deal with for the rest of their lives. Issues that will impact their employment, their relationships, their spouse. Yes, I know what you are thinking....ALL kids have issues. We all have made mistakes and ruined our kids in one way or another. I agree with that statement. But there are those of us moms who guilt ourselves to death and have real issues that need to be dealt with. Since I have been "resting" in CO, I have realized something. When you take away all the friends that comfort you, the church that feeds you and the ministry that inspires you...all you are left with is your own, stinking sin! Our church culture is so good at pacifying us as moms....we want to make others feel better and at the same time know that we, ourselves, do the exact same things and don't want to look at it in our own lives. I have had few friends that have just said, "Kathi, you are in sin in this area of your life." Plain and simple. If we can't deal with the sin in our own lives, how can we tell someone else? So back to my sin. I realized that I don't have love!!! I know..Shocking! My friends would tell you that I am a very loving person. I think I love people rather well. But when you read 1 Corinthians 13, I suck at it! "Love is Patient". OK, right there I get an "F"! Patient? Are you kidding me? I have 5 kids at home going in all directions, not cleaning up after themselves, being sassy with their mamma, not getting homework done and plugging up the toilet! Patience? I don't think so! OK, let's try the next verse..."Love is Kind". Now this is where I am in sin. Being kind. I realized that I love my kids. I would die for my kids. But I am not very kind a lot of the time. Between getting them to get dressed in the morning and making sure they brush their teeth at night (don't get me started about the toothpaste cap), I am exhausted! I have refereed one too many times, told my son to pick up that sock 3 days ago and tried to make dinner while my sweet cherubs do their homework! I could give you many excuses. But the fact remains that I am not kind a lot of the time!!! So that is where I begin! The Bible says that God's kindness leads to repentance. First thing I realize is that I need to receive God's kindness toward me. God is so darn kind. He loves us even while we are in the deepest of sin. He doesn't just love us after we sin. He loves us WHILE we are in the middle of it. So when I am yelling at my daughter, He loves me. When I am in the midst of selfishness and wanting my own way, He loves me. When I have resentment toward one of my kids, He loves me. And when I am in His love, all the behavior modification that I use to be a better mom melts in His arms. Why do we think that if we just changed our behavior or tried to do better that it would make a difference? If I only had a plan or a book to read then I could change. Or maybe I'm just a terrible mom and there is no hope for me. The answer is always and forever LOVE! And as His love is leading me into repentance I am more aware of all the behaviors that I am putting on my kids. Stop behaving like that! You should know better! You need to pray more to be a better Christian! What am I teaching them? Yes, it is my job to train my kids and teach them. But if I have not love, I am nothing. No wonder all they hear when I speak at them is "blah, blah, blah"! Because if I have not love I am just a clanging gong to my kids. Oh, how I am banking on God to come through on this one. He promises His love to us. No matter what we are doing as moms and no matter what our kids are doing that makes us feel like we are failing. Claim His promise...it's for you too! This is my mandate right now...to learn to be kind to my kids. Kindness in the little things. The way I speak (especially when I'm being yelled at), the way I direct my kids (with sweetness) and being aware of when I have not received God's love for myself and I'm irritable or angry (that's gonna be the hard part). It's easy to gloss over it when you are appreciated in a ministry or can grab a quick coffee with a friend who will tell you what a great mom you are. It's hard to deal with the truth in that little face staring up at you and waiting for you to show him about the love of Jesus! Kindness. It's pathetic that after 19 years of being a mom that this is where I begin. I am utterly ashamed and at the same time joyously hopeful that God will fulfill His promise of love in me so that it will spill out onto those I love the most! I worship you most Holy and Love Filled God! Give me Faith to Believe!