Tickets

I was really lonely today. I miss CA, my friends, my church and our school. I know that God called us here, but sometimes I feel so out of place. I was in a kind of funk today as I teared up throughout the day at the beautiful memories of the past. But tonight I received tickets. Not just any tickets. They specifically had MY name on them..."MOM". The invitation came on Dave's old business cards from CA and I was told by my 6yo son, Caleb, that I was cordially invited to a dance recital. It turns out that the whole family was invited and all had their tickets in hand. We traveled about 10 yards down our stairs and into our basement where there were seats all set out for the audience. My son ,the star of the show, was dressed in "cool" jeans, a blue shirt with a button down shirt over it. Our eldest son, Nathan, was asked to provide the necessary music for this extravaganza! All were seated and anticipated the show.

When the music started with it's upbeat tune, my son began to "dance". Now it was not ballet or tap dancing. It was kind of like break dancing with a little robot in there for effect. Then came the hand stands and twirling, which amazed and dazzled the crowd. All were laughing and cheering and enjoying the show. After the entertainment ended, we all left the performance having a smile on our faces and joy in our hearts.

And I thought to myself....this is why we are here in Colorado! We were all so busy in CA with ministry, friends, school, life. Here it is different. All we have is each other. At least for a while. I know my teenagers will find a bazillion friends and God will have a ministry for me and my hubby. But for this specific season, it is about just our family. About having dinner together, going on day trips, working in the yard, wrestling (the whole family got in on that one), and yes, even gazing at a 6 year old boy who for a few moments had the hearts of those watching him.

I am amazed at how God knows exactly what we need when we need it. How many times do I question Him and doubt His intentions toward me. Today I was wrestling with God and wondering why the heck He sent me here. But tonight I learned from my 6yo son to enjoy what God has given. It may not last. It may be that God is teaching me to just stop wrestling and start resting in His love for me and my family. The difference between my anxious, lonely heart this morning and my love filled heart tonight? JOY!

What Kind of Mom is This?

I am no longer directing The Refuge. No longer homeschooling my kids. No longer living near friends and family. I am now left to deal with myself! You would think this would be a pleasant situation....me, no kids during the day, no ministry, no friends just sitting around all day and resting. Although the Lord is giving me physical rest, my emotional state is far from peaceful. I have been a mom for 19 years and have mothered 16 children through birth, foster care and adoption. My children are now the ages 21, 19, 16, 14, 9 and 6 years. You would think I would have it all figured out, wouldn't you? Instead, here I sit ruminating about all the bad choices that I have made and how they are now playing out in my kids. All of my kids have issues. Issues that they may need to deal with for the rest of their lives. Issues that will impact their employment, their relationships, their spouse. Yes, I know what you are thinking....ALL kids have issues. We all have made mistakes and ruined our kids in one way or another. I agree with that statement. But there are those of us moms who guilt ourselves to death and have real issues that need to be dealt with. Since I have been "resting" in CO, I have realized something. When you take away all the friends that comfort you, the church that feeds you and the ministry that inspires you...all you are left with is your own, stinking sin! Our church culture is so good at pacifying us as moms....we want to make others feel better and at the same time know that we, ourselves, do the exact same things and don't want to look at it in our own lives. I have had few friends that have just said, "Kathi, you are in sin in this area of your life." Plain and simple. If we can't deal with the sin in our own lives, how can we tell someone else? So back to my sin. I realized that I don't have love!!! I know..Shocking! My friends would tell you that I am a very loving person. I think I love people rather well. But when you read 1 Corinthians 13, I suck at it! "Love is Patient". OK, right there I get an "F"! Patient? Are you kidding me? I have 5 kids at home going in all directions, not cleaning up after themselves, being sassy with their mamma, not getting homework done and plugging up the toilet! Patience? I don't think so! OK, let's try the next verse..."Love is Kind". Now this is where I am in sin. Being kind. I realized that I love my kids. I would die for my kids. But I am not very kind a lot of the time. Between getting them to get dressed in the morning and making sure they brush their teeth at night (don't get me started about the toothpaste cap), I am exhausted! I have refereed one too many times, told my son to pick up that sock 3 days ago and tried to make dinner while my sweet cherubs do their homework! I could give you many excuses. But the fact remains that I am not kind a lot of the time!!! So that is where I begin! The Bible says that God's kindness leads to repentance. First thing I realize is that I need to receive God's kindness toward me. God is so darn kind. He loves us even while we are in the deepest of sin. He doesn't just love us after we sin. He loves us WHILE we are in the middle of it. So when I am yelling at my daughter, He loves me. When I am in the midst of selfishness and wanting my own way, He loves me. When I have resentment toward one of my kids, He loves me. And when I am in His love, all the behavior modification that I use to be a better mom melts in His arms. Why do we think that if we just changed our behavior or tried to do better that it would make a difference? If I only had a plan or a book to read then I could change. Or maybe I'm just a terrible mom and there is no hope for me. The answer is always and forever LOVE! And as His love is leading me into repentance I am more aware of all the behaviors that I am putting on my kids. Stop behaving like that! You should know better! You need to pray more to be a better Christian! What am I teaching them? Yes, it is my job to train my kids and teach them. But if I have not love, I am nothing. No wonder all they hear when I speak at them is "blah, blah, blah"! Because if I have not love I am just a clanging gong to my kids. Oh, how I am banking on God to come through on this one. He promises His love to us. No matter what we are doing as moms and no matter what our kids are doing that makes us feel like we are failing. Claim His promise...it's for you too! This is my mandate right now...to learn to be kind to my kids. Kindness in the little things. The way I speak (especially when I'm being yelled at), the way I direct my kids (with sweetness) and being aware of when I have not received God's love for myself and I'm irritable or angry (that's gonna be the hard part). It's easy to gloss over it when you are appreciated in a ministry or can grab a quick coffee with a friend who will tell you what a great mom you are. It's hard to deal with the truth in that little face staring up at you and waiting for you to show him about the love of Jesus! Kindness. It's pathetic that after 19 years of being a mom that this is where I begin. I am utterly ashamed and at the same time joyously hopeful that God will fulfill His promise of love in me so that it will spill out onto those I love the most! I worship you most Holy and Love Filled God! Give me Faith to Believe!

A New Home

Sorry to you all for not blogging recently. I actually forgot my user name and password and couldn't get back on my blog. That's how challenged I am in the computer world.

I promised in my last blog how we came to find our new home. After we put our kids in public school and moved into our hotel, the search for a house commenced. Of course, my plan was to purchase a new home in 2 weeks and move in 4 weeks later. NOT! We ended up living in our hotel for 10 weeks before moving. Everyday I would drop my kids off at school and swoon over the moms coming out of this amazing housing community walking their kids and dogs to school. Holding their coffee in one hand and a leash in the other, all the moms would walk out of their community, across the street and into the school with their children in tow. Oh, how I longed to be a part of it. I wanted more than anything to join the procession with my kids trailing behind (or storming ahead). So there was one home in that neighborhood for sale. We loved it. It was everything we hoped for in a house. The problem was that our home in San Jose had not sold yet. I just held my breath as the days passed by dreaming of having my neighbor over for coffee and my kids playing on the community playground, laughing together as they all played fair and let others go first. But, sadly, this was not to be! The day our home sold in CA the dream house sold. You would think tears of defeat would fall from my hopeless eyes. But alas! I really felt total peace! I knew God did not want me living there. Yes, I was disappointed, but I felt that this was right. We continued on our search, with a renewed faith that God had a house for us. My husband found a home online that was in the country, but only 2 miles from the schools. It had one and half acres and was perfect for our family. We raced to look at it, but I was a bit worried that my teenagers would not go for it. After all the kids saw it multiple times, we were all in agreement that this was our house. Of course, the story does not end there. They were asking a lot more than we wanted to spend. So we prayed and asked the Lord that if this house was anointed by Him, we would meet the owner of the house. So we asked our ever patient realtor to show us the house one more time. Every time I looked at it, I loved it more. We left and were talking to our realtor in the driveway and the owner of the house walked up and asked if we had any questions. We couldn't believe it! Prayer answered! They also came down on their price and we ended up getting an unbelievable interest rate. With all of these answers to prayer, we were confirmed that this was God's home for us! We have been here a few months and I can't tell you how beautiful, peaceful and restful this home is for our family. We have seen a fox, coyote and many eagles. There are no light posts so at night we can see the stars. And the neighborhood I was dreaming about? I have met many of the moms and every one of them tell me that they wish they lived where I did. That it is too crowded in their community and they feel like they are in a fish bowl. Well, how do you like that! God knew where we were supposed to live! Amazing!