My Story Part 6

Being married was everything I wanted and more.  I realized that I didn’t know how to cook, clean or manage my money.  The first thing Dave did after we got home from our honeymoon was cut up my credit card.  I learned for the first time how to save for things and shop for a good price before I bought.  I also learned how to clean, but not very well.  My lack of cooking and cleaning skills made for big conflict between us.  You see, my husband is what I call a “cleanie”.  He loves things organized and clean.  He felt disrespected when I didn’t put something away or clean it properly.  This was to become the biggest conflict in our marriage.  I’m happy to tell you that we have overcome this issue, with occasional back sliding.  I began to have panic attacks and tons of anger.  I had already been in counseling and it was bringing so much to the surface.  I was constantly fearful and did not feel God helping me.  With this turmoil coupled with the fact that I was less than the wife my husband desired, the shame reared its ugly head yet again.  I was trying to work through it and God gave me a lot of insight and truth during these years of self discovery.  Over time, the panic attacks ceased and my fear subsided….for now.

Then I got pregnant!  I was still at San Jose State and working part time as a medical assistant.  I was told when I was young that because of my illness, I should not get pregnant.  But I wanted a child more than anything.  When we found out, Dave went to the health food store and bought all kinds of veggies and healthy snacks.  In his mind, I was going to fill my body with good nutrition.  Then the morning sickness began.  Those of you who have been pregnant know that when you have morning sickness, you just want to eat what you want to eat.  So the veggies went out the window and Taco Bell became my best friend.  During my pregnancy, I was having kidney infections and high blood pressure.  I was taking antibiotics that I shouldn’t have been taking, but I had to take them to keep the infections at bay.  Because of my sickness, I had to quit college and put my job on hold.  When I was 31 weeks, Nathan Victor Reginato came into the world at 3lbs 12oz.  It was a traumatic birth and once again I felt that my body had failed me.  It is such a scary feeling when you don’t hear your baby crying after the birth.  They showed him to me for a second and then whisked him off to the NICU.   I told Dave to go with the baby, while the doctors and nurses took care of me.  They gave me a sedative because I was really upset.  I had hated drugs up until then.  But when that feeling of relaxation came streaming through my body, I was thankful for drugs.  I wanted to stay on those sedatives forever.  It was hours before I could see my precious Nathan.  When they wheeled me into the NICU and I saw him, I melted in sorrow.  Somehow I felt this was my fault.  He was naked and had tubes and wires all over him.  He had a tube down his lungs to help him breathe and the mask on his face seemed to take up his whole body.  I couldn’t really see him through the nurses that were working on him.  I cannot tell you the grief and despair I felt over seeing my tiny boy, strapped down in pain.  Oh, how this brought up the pain from my childhood.  How many times was I strapped down in my bed of pain.  I couldn’t bear to watch this happen to my son. How I anguished in my hospital bed all night.  I had to watch TV to distract me from my emotional pain.  I couldn’t even lie still in my bed.  I was writhing in anguish.  When they discharged me, I fell apart.  At least while I was in the hospital I could be with my boy.  But now I had to leave him with people who had total control over him.  They could mistreat him and he couldn’t even cry out for his mama to save him.  In my dreams, I saw myself being wheeled out of the hospital with my precious in my arms.  But instead, I was wheeled out with paperwork and emptiness.  A few days later I had a severe kidney infection.  It was festering for a while and I just thought the pain was from the birth.  So I landed back in the hospital on the same floor as my son.  It was so stressful to see Nathan make progress and then fail to progress. Nathan spent one month in the NICU and came home weighing 4lbs.  The NICU nurses made sure I got wheeled out with my baby in my arms this time.  I was so thrilled to have him home.