Fearful. Hurt. Disappointed.
That is how I have been feeling the past few weeks. I am a mother who has kids with brain damage
from being infused with drugs and alcohol while in the womb. This has caused havoc in our home for
years. When we learn new tool, things
get better for a while. But then a new
wound will appear in a child and we start all over again. As they get older, the loss of their birth
parents becomes greater as they realize the deep rejection and sadness. Top that off with a huge dose of brain damage
and you have yourself chaos. Well, the
past few weeks the chaos has returned and I found myself defeated, angry and
depressed.
So I do what any survivor would do…put up walls of
protection, control and live in fear of the future. I realized last night that what I am doing is
not only unhealthy, but is taking the joy right out of my life. I have been trying my hardest to be what my
kids need me to be.
Strong.
Kind. Even when they are yelling and swearing at
me.
Forgiving and
forgiving and forgiving.
I need to be these so I can show them the love of Jesus.
I have tried and tried to become what they need to be and began
to lose sight of who I really am. Isn’t
that the way it always starts…losing vision, not being able to see?
So I sat down and wrote out who I am. Here is my list….
Kathryn
The Pure One
The disciple Jesus
loves
Good
Weak
Hurt
Disappointed
Guilty
Fearful
Hard
Soft
Pressure on myself
Passionate
Loves deeply
Fails daily
Learning to live grace
Counter of gifts
Freedom fighter
Vision caster
Writer
Lover of the broken
Lover of God
Worshipper
Loved
Hated
Risk taker
Comfort seeker
Broken
Amazed
Grateful
Truth teller
Spirit follower
I realized that I was not being ALL of me. I was living in fear and guilt and wanting to
serve and love my kids so they would heal and so I wouldn’t damage them with my
unwillingness to love when they are displaying their anger over their deep loss. I am denying much of who I am because I need
to protect myself. I need to be strong
for them. I get hurt. But instead of acknowledging that, I disregard
my feelings for the sake of being “Christ” to them. Sick, I know. This is what happens to a mom
who has taken in broken children.
You
begin to cope instead of love.
You fear,
instead of trust.
You harbor guilt,
instead of living grace.
I was trying so
hard to have grace for my kids that I neglected the grace for me.
I am going to work on living ALL of me. The good, the bad and the very ugly.
I am going to receive instead of
protect.
I am going to live joy instead
of control.
I am going to be free to be myself
instead of what I think my kids need.
And most importantly…I am going to accept myself as Kathryn, The disciple
who Jesus loves.
So who are you? How
is your vision? I challenge you to make
a list. You may be surprised at parts of
yourself that you may be missing.
I pray
you will live Grace today.
Grace for
yourself.
We can only see clearly
through the eyes of Grace.
